Lucy Quinn was born on March 27th, 2023. Born is a relative term, I guess, because Lucy was stillborn when she came into this world. My heart is still grieving, and a part of me doesn't understand why as a grandmother it has affected me so deeply.
I've lost a lot of people in my life. Both parents before age 25, by two brothers in the early 2000's. My sister last year. Yet, this death has been by far, the most tragic thing I've ever gone through.
How does this happen to a perfectly healthy baby. She had a strong heartbeat on Thursday, and Sunday she was gone. There are no answers. The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck, no knots in the cord, and nothing wrong with the placenta. All bloodwork came back normal.
Lucy was suppose to be here. She would be just over 4 weeks old. McKenzie is broken, any mother would be. All the plans, the clothes, the pink things.....Why?
I had a dream several months back that my granddaughter Piper died. When I woke up from the dream, I was still mourning, even though I knew it was only a dream. In the dream I realized, that I've never thought about the grandparents in a tragic child death. I never thought how much they would grieve. It was eye-opening. I even told Kallie about the dream, and how amiss I had been when feeling bad, or praying for the parents of a lost child, but never praying or thinking of the grandparents.
I'm not sure why I had that dream, but honestly, the only dreams I remember are ones that are very significant in some way. One's that teach me something. I have a feeling this dream was to prepare me for this loss.
I thought God and I had an understanding (apparently it was one sided). I told him, it is one thing for him to have taken so many people from me, although it was hard, I could live with it, but he couldn't have my babies. Perhaps I should have added grand-babies. I thought that was implied in the deal.
I'm currently not speaking to God, I'm a little angry. I'm sure I will get over it shortly, but I think he took my strength for granted this time. I wonder if he just wants to break me. Like a wild horse, so I will bend to his way. I feel broken, but in a different way. In a way I can't get up from. In a way that I want to just lay on the ground and wait for the ref to count to 10 and count me out.
I don't think I will ever understand or come to terms with this loss, and I don't know that God can ever make up for it, but I will try to feel Lucy in every day. In all the daffodils I see. I will think of Lucy with my sister, as she shows her all the wonders there are to see (Kathy just loved to go for walks, she loved to walk along the creek banks and find treasures, and watch the hummingbirds as they ate from the flowers, look for arrowheads and cool rocks). I will imagine Lucy holding Kathy's hand as they look for treasures, and watch the creepy crawly things on the ground. I know Kathy will look after until we get the chance to meet again.
