As I reflect (since that's the name of my blog) on my life, I realize that my kids moving out and moving on isn't the most difficult part of the process. The difficult part is....that for the last 18-22 years of their life, I have been the most instrumental, influential person in their lives. I am no longer that person. My entire existence for the past 22 years has primarily been to mold and shape and (maybe sometimes) inspire my children to be the people they are. Like I said in a previous post....I have to change my purpose. I am one of those people that need a purpose. So laying here in bed until 10:30 am does not fulfill me. There is only so much you can do on Facebook or on a blog.
It's hard because only a handful of my friends can relate. And it's kind of a silent sadness that we all face, yet we don't talk much about. I think maybe because we've lost our own identity somewhere in the raising of our children, and it's a bit sad a pathetic that when they are gone and grown up, we don't know what to do with ourselves anymore.
I was never going to be one of "those" moms. I was going to celebrate when they were gone. Yet, I am not celebrating. I guess when you feel the only good thing in life you have accomplished is the children you have born, it's a dose of reality, that the good things have moved on.
Oh my life isn't completely over yet. I still have football 4-5 nights a week and dance 4 days a week and piano and jiu-jitsu. It's definitely, not over yet.
Syd is off at college, she's on her own. She rarely calls home (is that a good thing-or bad?). Ty is planning his life when he gets home. Everyone he knows is married, so that will probably happen soon after getting home. Kenzie is working and driving and home so seldom we hardly know she exists. The boys....oh the boys! They make me feel so old, and tired. I'm tired of hearing fighting, I'm tired of nagging to do chores, I'm tired of telling them to do their homework. I'm just tired! Yet I still have some time left. How do I make the most of it, when the enthusiasm has dwindled? I still want to make it exciting for them. I want home to be the place they want to come to. I want them to want to come to us for advice.
I was looking through photos of my kids yesterday, and Kenzie said, "Oh I wish Brady was that age again." I look at those and wish I could just for one day go back and be with each of those little babies again. I wish I could swoop them up in my arms and tickle them, kiss their tears when they get hurt and snuggle next to them, when they fall asleep. The time has gone so quickly, like everyone says, and I feel as though I failed to enjoy it as I should have. If only we could capture a moment or two that we could go back and replay every now and then. I think that would help to ease the pain, of a time gone by.
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."